“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1” revolves around one of the most important moments in a young woman’s life: her high school graduation and immediate marriage to her 100-plus-year-old vampire boyfriend at his parents’ house. And of course, now that they’re united in unholy matrimony, they can finally have sex and not alienate Stephenie Meyer’s very small (and Mormon) fan base. Unfortunately, thanks to the public school system’s lack of comprehensive sex education, Bella became pregnant after having sex for the first time. There’s just one problem, she’s still human, and this child inside her is growing from Edward’s powerful vampire sperm.
This baby is growing as fast as Robin Williams in “Jack,” which makes Bella even sicker. Her pregnant belly looks like a Cronenberg nightmare, and she has to drink blood to give the baby the nutrients it needs, even though she’s not a vampire yet. Meanwhile, Jacob is a big baby who is about to “lose” to Edward.
When Bella finally gives birth, it is extremely painful and undeservedly violent. She was dead, and Edward decided to change her right then and there in hopes that an undead vampire would save her. Bella appeared to be dead but at the last second, she opened her eyes and revealed new bloodshot irises. This movie is the worst in the series because it is a preparation for the final chapter. Nothing feels like a complete story, and it’s mostly just banal dialogue with random slow-moving bits of brooding before randomly diving into borderline exploitative body horror. It’s a mess, but a movie that throws off casual viewers once and for all. (B.J. Colangelo)